physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
