I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
