yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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