Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
