dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
