Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
