i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
