I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
