wanna go halves on a baby?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
