It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
