you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize