can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
