I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
