I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
