I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize