He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
