No awkward lesbian experiences without me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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