shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I pour the whiskey from now on
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
