If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
