i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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