Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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