he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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