Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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