I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
