I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
