Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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