I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
