She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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