just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
