Can Purell be used as lube?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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