im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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