I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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