I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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