There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
