I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
