She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
