My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
