eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize