driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
