Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
They took my balls.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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