Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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