We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize