I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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