So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize