you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
