I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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