I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
