I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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