1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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