The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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