i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
