Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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