He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize