I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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