Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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