we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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