Need sex. Gaining weight.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
