If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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