you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
