Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
