This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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