I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
