You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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