He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
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