When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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